Abandoned Forum

[thesinofmylips]

Someone very close to me passed away a few months ago. I've only recently started to really feel the impact of his absence on my life.

It's effecting my schoolwork, my relationships with friends, family and current boyfriend.

i miss him so much, i'm finding it so hard to move on. what do i do?

[Astarte]

My father died 11 years ago, the pain was unbearable. It didn't stop, it didn't go away, it was there for years. Time does heal eventually, but there's no quick fix on bereavement. It's just something that you live through as best you can.

If it is affecting your schoolwork, I suggest you see a counsellor there. They would be very helpful to you, and it's really important that the school knows why your grades might be slipping.

The more you try to control or stifle your feelings the worse it is, let yourself grieve when and as you must.

My mother died one year ago today. The grief I felt at her passing was completely different to the grief I felt when my father passed away.

A nurse at the nursing home said to me, "you need to give her permission to go." I thought she was crazy. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I hadn't given my father 'permission' to leave, and a great part of my grief was that I was so angry at him for dying and leaving me.

It took a little while, but I could see that I was forcing her to hang on despite her ill health. I gave my mother permission to go, and actually told her goodbye, it was the last coherent conversation we had, she slipped away two days later.

I don't exactly how you feel, but you may find it helps to perform a little ceremony of your own making, whereby you allow your friend to 'leave'.
I don't how how you might do that - I think I would write down all my feelings about what happened and attach the note to a helium-filled balloon, and maybe go somewhere where I could be alone and think about my friend, say my goodbyes, and let the balloon go.

As I write this the tears are in my eyes and my chest is filled with pain. The grief never really goes away, but it shapes us. It makes us kinder, more compassionate people. It makes us think twice. It helps you grow up, even when you already an adult.

[nil]

I thought for a long while, about what to say about dealing with bereavement. And my mind is empty. I was always the silent one when someone told me the news about losing someone close to them. And I always feel guilty about it. After reading through Astarte's post, I would wish I could be as helpful as her.

I can't offer any helpful advice. I can only describe what I think. Although I don't have any religious belief, I still think life would be rather silly if it just pop away like an exploding balloon. Maybe death is not a termination but a separation? And when someone depart our world, they leave us with their memory. We cherish their gift with our tear so it can live on in our world. But it would be imprudent to drown it with too much tear. One day, we have to put it outside, under the sun, so it can flourish and grow into a beautiful flower. Don't you think that's what the deceased would like to see us doing? To smile with the fond memory of the past, instead of crying through the rest of our life?

[thesinofmylips]

thankyou both of you for your thought and advice. the more i talk about it the less alone in this i feel. it doesn't help with the pain but it's nice to know that other people care and have been through similiar things and managed to get through.

my friends were obviously sympathetic at first, but now they just act like it never happened.

i don't ever feel like joining in with them anymore. i used to be such a happy, giggly person. which is what drew my boyfriend to me.

now i found it so hard to even smile, i don't want to lose anyone else, especially him, but i can feel he's getting fed up with it. he's put up with soooo much. i don't know what i'd do if he ever said ' i can't do this anymore' he deserves to be happy, and i'm bringing him down.

i can't seem to feel any compassion for anyone else anymore. it's sounds so awful and selfish, but i just feel like saying, your pain is nothing to mine.

i'm really sorry about your parents astarte and i appreciate you telling me about it even though it hurts you. <3

[Astarte]

Thank you, thesinofmylips.

Don't be too disappointed in your friends. None of them can understand the way you feel until something like this happens to them. I think we are conditioned by TV and movies to think that we should get over a bereavement in a matter of about three months or so. This just isn't true. I know when my father died it felt just as bad after a few months as the day it happened.

At the moment your heart is a raw, gaping wound, but it will heal. You will get back to being that happy person once again. I don't know what will happen between you and your boyfriend, but this isn't just a mood that you can snap out of by a bit of retail therapy. However, you do need to be amongst people.

Going to the movies helps. It sounds silly, but at least you are out of the house and seeing and hearing something different. You'll still be with your boyfriend but the focus isn't on you to be entertaining....

Have you talked about the way you feel to him? He sounds like a good guy, let him know how much you appreciate his support and how you are scared that he might be getting sick of being around you because you are so sad. It's really important to talk things through with people. No-one's a mind reader, that's why we need to be open with people we are close to.

You're allowed to take a little time out from your friends if you want. They aren't being callous. Their lives are going on and there are things happening with them, so that if what happened didn't affect them like it did you, they will leave it behind.

I still think it would help you to see a counsellor, they are there just for this sort of situation and they can help you to deal with this. Do you have anyone else to talk to? What about a grandparent. They can be pretty good listeners and they have a lot of life experiences that would make them understand the way you feel.

Hang in there, things will slowly improve.

[Astarte]

[the dreamer of melvin]

i lost a really good friend my senior year and it is still hard 4 me 2 deal with it just pray that he is in a better place u will see him again someday

[Twin2]

Losing one that you are close to is not a easy thing. I have had 5 people that have been in my life pass in the pass 5 years 3 of them with in the last 4 months. There will always be a hole in my heart for them. I recently went through all my pictures with a friend. And found lots of pictures of them. I started to cry when I found a picture that was of one of my friends laying on the ground curled up asleep. So I told my friend the story of why I took the picture. He had got kicked out of the his house and didn't want to wake up my household so he climb up in the tree outside my door and went to sleep. Well shortly after we got up the next day we hear a big crash and he had fell out of the tree but was still asleep. So I went out and took the picture of him hugging this tree branch sound asleep. When we finally got him awake- he was a dead sleeper-he always said that he could sleep through anything. Which he wasn't lying. He asked what were we doing in HIS bedroom!!! The story ended up being pretty funny. It was the first time I let myself really laugh in month. I realized that none of these people would want me sulking around. They loved life and love to laugh.

So what I am trying to say is your loved one would not want you to be sad. They would want you to go on with you life. Go and be with people. Sit down and remember the good and funny things that you did together.

Astarte is right write a letter to your friend and make your own ceremony. You need to see a counselor, see the one at school. Talk to your parents , your boyfriend's mom, a teacher some one you trust and get help. You are depressed and it is not good to be depressed for so long. You will get through this. Sometimes you need a little help from your friends.

[Pimienta]

as for your friends
I don't know how all of them are about things like that
but I know that I'm not a very good comforter
All I can do for some one is listen usually
I think it's because when I lose people I try to keep them to myself
I don't want my friends grieving for someone they didn't know
even today there are things that make me remember people I've lost over 5 years ago
simple things like seeing someone out building a fence make me remember but there is peace in the memories

[thesinofmylips]

thankyou for sharing guys, it's really helped. I'm doing much better at the moment. It still hurts like hell, but i can smile and laugh and my friends are more relaxed around me. I think i've finally come to terms with it.

It's sooooo difficult without him, but i have alot of support.

i saw a counsellor like you all said. It was really wierd talking about deep things to a complete stranger, but also strangely enlightening. it feels like i can...not forget at all...but move on at least.

thankyou.

xxxxx

[Astarte]

You're welcome.