In only 8 days I will be out of high school for good and only a week after that I will be out of our pityful middle of nowhere town for a while if not for good. I'm a bit scared, excited and sad all at once. what will I do away from the security of my family? how will I get along without my friends? And why do I have to go to the stupid ceremony for it? I really don't think that it is all that exciting to sit in a hot room waiting for my name to be called, silently wishing that somehow I could take all my friends with me so that I don't have to worry about whether I will ever see them again or not.

finally spring is here

there are a few flowers in bloom and the greates holiday ever was yesterday

Happy mayday to all

okay the subject was my psycho talk for today

The mexico mission team has left for spring break and for the first time in three years I am stuck at home. I am truely saddened by this but my friend promised to write me a journal and bring me souvenirs. Still I liked the people and she can't really bring me those. I could have just put my school work off for one more week and gone but oh well. 

In a local play, a group of people are on a plane that is about to crash. The director wants us to be scared as though we are about to die. She asked us if we've ever been scared like that and everyone around me said yes. I've been in a lot of situations that could have ended in death. I even pictured that ending when the events were happening but I was never truely scared of it. Is there something wrong with that?

I sat in sunday school. Almost as though listening from somewhere else. It's said that there are no definite right and wrong answer when discussing God in sunday school. So Why do I have to think so hard? A question is asked and in my mind there's an answer. The teacher looks pleased with it. Another question and answer yet this time I hold my tongue. Some one else answers and again there is a pleased look. The next question and I forget to hold my tongue. A look passes over our teacher's face and a big debate type discussion is started. Oh why did I have to open my mouth? But a pleased feeling comes over me at the thought of desention. I fight the feeling and soon order is restored to the class. It's not the first time I've said some thing like that.

This weekend I auditioned for a school of music and the army national guard band. The one for the school I believe I did well on(but I don't really know yet). The other one I did very poorly on. The guy said I had potential and wanted me to reaudition in may though. I still don't think I did that well. Now my father thinks that I did poorly on both auditions and he is freaking out. Why doesn't he just shut up about it. He's already listed everything that can go wrong and I told him what I'd do if it does. Still he won't shut up about how crappy I probably did and how bad my chances were to begin with.

isn't it odd how in the winter time, a person can sit in the sunshine and remain freezing unless they are inside?

I mean how can the sun shine so bright and yet it's cold?

A challenge. No not just any challenge, it must be my most significant challenge. How would I describe this event that must have had such a significant impact on my life. Was it even a single event? My life seems to have been challenge after challenge but could I even think of writing most of them for the public to see. Well I have to choose something. Only one. Though I could somehow combine them. But how could I keep it within the guidelines? I have four sisters. One of them has Cerebral Palsy. Could I say that growing up with her was a challenge that affected the way I see people? My mother’s frivolity definitely affected me but no one needs to know that. My sister who was and I hope still is my best friend, left me once. Could that possibly be the challenge I’m looking for? No, no, that won’t do. It can’t be that personal. Maybe I could make up some crap about a superficial event changing me. Like the band trip to DC after all that other girl wrote about Mexico. But that wasn’t superficial. Mexico now that’s a change. They live in run down house, can’t drink the water, and have a very poor economy. I wonder if I could pull that off. Heck I could even make this essay into my most significant challenge if I wanted to. Perhaps I could speak of my struggling faith. That one could be edited to a less personal version. Maybe I could tell them about my dad…you know my real one. I could talk about my teaching experiences but that didn’t really do much for me. Well besides teach me to teach.  How about the everyday life of a teenage Christian? That’s not a challenge so long as I remember Jesus.

just like the forum,

all has gone still

though it has been still here

for quite a time longer

so why not talk

"words words words"

 there is my quote

shakespeare for today

but the quote Ilike better

reads just like this

"There has been much throwing of brains about"

from hamlet

act two scene two line 420

well maybe that's the line

I'm sure it is close

you could look it up

or just trust me I guess

well Now I must go

school is a waiting

this wasn't a poem

every morning when I wake up

the sun is slowly rising

sometimes it creates purples and pinks

in the sky

at other times there's bright

bright yellow and orange

and then there are times

it seems that the sun is just

tired

of all the splendor

and the clouds cast a shadow

and when It finally gets

beyond them, all the colors are

gone

recently in senior project, we all had to take personality tests. I came out to be an INFP which stands for introvert, intuitive, feeling and perceptive. According to everyone I talk to on a regular basis, I am not an introvert but every time I think I don't want to start a conversation, I start one because being an introvert is anti social as my dad says and I shouldn't be anti social. Any how when reading the description of it, I realised that it is a lot like how my brain works even if I sometimes choose to ignore my brain when it says, "are you crazy what if that person's mean they might be mean to you if you start a conversation." which my brain is always saying when meeting new people. oh well I guess the advice the essay on my personality type gave for overcoming the weak social skills is already taken. 

I entered the school building on the first day

expecting something to be just a little different

after all I'm a senior now

but I found that it was the same humdrum thing

sure there are exciting things about school

but the routine is the same and there is no feeling of reaching a critical point in my life

I just feel like I'm going to school once again

as I have for the last 12 years

so what makes it different

well I won't be coming back next year

my friends that are only juniors or sophmores will stay while I leave and then we won't see each other for a long time if ever again

it seemed so very easy to ride that day

I rode toward some one or someones so dear to me

It seems like forever since I saw them so I sped up. For many weeks I hadn't been able to bring my weary muscles to respond quite right but then I road like I was flying. Across the desert that didn't provide shade. There was nothing to keep me going only the hope of seeing them

I reached my end. There they were supposed to be. there was the dog still following me

then empty silence

desolate

I drag myself back to my bike and turn and go back. Riding back across the desert I feel the hot wind sucking the moisture from me. I hadn't noticed it before but now it was fierce. My legs would move like they should. I was once faster than the wind but now I couldn't even be sure I moved at all.

so my plans for today are to learn to ride a unicycle

I wonder if nowhere man mastered it

I wonder if it's hard

well anyhow then I think I will have a bit of time for typing

and then I might even read

which reminds me

my brother is reading the Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy

he thinks it's great

I think I will read it again when I finish dickens

well I guess I better get on with it then

so the music choice for today is from the big band era

I think maybe tomorrow I will change to raggae

raggae's pretty good

oh what a fine day to babble

August-the last month of freedom for the young student. for some it means that they will have to stop their summer job soon and go back to asking their parents for every cent they spend, for others it means that they can't sleep in that extra few hours after working late, while for some it is just a temporary end to boredom and after a week the boredom returns only now they are waiting impatiently for school to end again.

no teachers to tell you when and how to do the work they give you, no grades to worry about, no parents ending up angry over grades to worry about, no sack lunches or if your one of the unlucky majority no mystery meat to gag over. a few hours to do what you want without your parents home or anyone else to give you a schedule. and it's coming to an end.