Home
the site | the forum | the hamster
User login

Search
Google
Web Here

Recent comments

Who's online
There are currently 0 users and 3 guests online.

Chapter 03-Discoveries

Chapter 03-Discoveries
Submitted by Cherokee_girl on Sunday, January 15, 2006 - 13:14

Cherokee_girl's picture

-Sob, sob, sob- That is what Zach heard as his brain came into semi-conciousness. The sob of someone in pain, the pain of losing a friend.

Where am I? Have I died and gone to Heaven? I wish I could see Kriss, tell her-

"Zach, why? Why did it have to be you? Everything was my fault. -Sob, hiccup- I can't even apologize, b-sob-because you're gone." As he listened to her monolouge, Zach felt tears on his face.

I can feel things, that must mean I'm alive! I must move and tell Kriss I'll be fine; that this wasn't her fault. Zach began to sense his surroundings, the hard floor beneath him, the hard surface against his left side, and the pain throbbing in his right side. Most of all, though, he noticed the quivering weight on his chest. Kriss...please stop crying. He resumed listening to Kriss as she ended her tirade.

"...deserve you're memory. Even if it is only from the past few hours. I don't deserve to live with your memory or to join you when I die. What I do deserve, though, is death." Kriss's voice steadied as Zach's mind snapped to full alertness.

-Sssshing!-I know that sound! Zach cracked his eyes open, a movement unchecked by Kriss. She held a sword of middle length, a kodachi. The handle was sparkling white with an inch of sterlng silver arounnd each end; a curled wisp of cloud wsa the only decoration. That kodachi, its mine. She must have found it upstairs. She isn't...is she?

Zach watched as she turned his sword over in his hands and prepared to take her own life. Zach's hand flew at a speed that suprised him and he put it on the blade. It cut into his fingers as he wrapped them around the kodachi and began to pull. It slid easily from her grasp, her mind in shock.

"If you did that, your family would really kill me." Zach smiled weakly as he out his sword aside.

The shock ware off of Kriss's mind and she flung herself onto Zach. "Zach, you're alive! I-I-I-" she stuttered, unable to convey how she felt.

"You're hurting me. I'll be fine and this wasn't your fault. I came to you, causing Mem to come as well."

"Mem?" Her face was puzzled, a look Zach thought was unfitting.

"He's the man that tried to kill me. Niro's going to hurt me for this, but Mem is acctually after you. Before you even try asking who Niro is or why Mem's after you, I'll say Niro will be here soon. For now though, this one needs to sleep. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but..." Zach dropped into sleep before he even finished.

 

Kriss settled her body by Zach's head and cradled it in her lap. She smoothed his hair, softly humming to herself. Zach's hand still rested on his kodahi and the evil blade was in the hall, not out of sight but out of range. She smiled as she watched him sleep.

She was so zoned out that she didn't see the jar that seemingly floated down the hall. She did not notice it until it was in front of her face.  Kriss automatically pulled away and stayed silent. It scared her even more when a man materialized.

"It's fine; I'm a friend of Zach's. My name is Niro, as Zach would tell you, but he's kinda out of it right now. Will you let me help you and Zach?" Krissandra nodded and watched as he unscrewed the lid of the jar and dipped two fingers in. The substance he removed was pale green and smelled like mint. Niro saw her looking at it and explained, "Heal-all, very usefull. It can heal and cure just about everything. I'm suprised Zach didn't have this with him and in easy reach. I'll show you; pull his shirt up above the stab. Ewww." He had a right to saw that. The skin around the cut was green and gross. "I should have gotten here faster, but our, I mean, my father wouldn't stop talking."

As Niro applied the balm to Zach, Kriss thought about what he had just said. "Why did you say 'our father'?" Niro ignored her, though she knew he heard her by the way his hands clenched and unclenched. "Niro, anwser me. Why did you say our father? And why did Zach say your brother? When he said that, are you who he meant? Please tell me."

Niro finished healing Zach and covered the jar again. "I wasn't going to tell you until Zach woke and was here to back my story. Kriss, I don't want to do this to you; telling you could make things harder and more complicated. Don't make me do this, not yet. It's been twelve hours since you met Zach. Let at least a day pass before you ask again. Please for my sake as well as yours."

Kriss frowned at Niro. "Fine, twelve nore hours, ho more. Will you tell me more of your family? Why did your father keep you so long?"

"Uh...the storm's almost over. I should be going. Father will want to know where I have been." Niro stood and prepared to depart. Then he was sitting on the floor again, virtually nose to nose with Kriss. "Wha-what are you doing? I really must-" Before he coud finish his excuse, Niro's cheek was smarting. He put his hand to the spot and took in what had happened. "What'd you do that for? I'm trying to go see my fa-" Niro saw it coming; Kriss smacked him again. "Do you mind tellin' me what that was for?"

"Quit lying to me and I'll stop. You weren't going to see your father and you know it. He's been gone a while; your mother too, I'd bet!" Kriss was about to continue when she saw the sadness and tears in Niro's eyes. "Oh Niro, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I see now why you wanted to get away from the subject of family." Kriss looked down at her hands, feeling very rude and ashamed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You'll find everything out soon enough. I just need time to prepare. That's why-" Kriss put a finger to his lips, silencing him.

"Someone's here." she whispered. "Take Zach and go upstairs. I'll call if I need help. Now go." Niro nodded and picked up his friend, turning at the stairs. He only nodded again and left Kriss's sight.

-Knock, knock- Kriss snapped the kitchen lights off as the front door opened. "Hello! Kriss, are you here? It's Jessie. Are you still awake? I saw your lights on. Kriss?"

"I'm here, just a minute." Kriss turned the lights back on and laughed at the young woman in the hall. "You walked over here, in the rain, without an umbrella again, didn't you?" Jessie nodded causing Kriss to laugh harder. She pointed to the kitchen sink and Jessie wrung her shoulder-length hair out into it. Kriss chuckled as she called up the stairs. Jessie raised her brows in question. Kriss glared at her as Niro came in.

When Niro saw Jessie he turned tail and ran back out. Kriss snapped her fingers and had the air currents bring him back. He ran twice more before he gave up and stood gasping for air.

"What are you trying to run for Niro? It's only my friend Jessie." Jessie turned at Niro's name and tried to run as well. Kriss snapped her fingers again and again her friend didn't get very far. "What is the meaning of this? You get one look at each other and run in opposite directions. Explain yourselves." Neither offered an explanation. "Now!"

"You don't want to go there. They've been at it for fifteen years." a familiar voice said. Kriss looked up from the floor and squealed in delight. She ran to the young man in the doorway. To everyone's suprise, including her own, Kriss wrapped her arams around Zach's neck and nearly kissed him. She let go and quickly backed away, tripping over Jessie and falling on her butt in the process. Evryone except her thought it was funny. Zach helped her up and suprised her once again. He did so by doing what she had almost did seconds ago; he kissed her, on the cheek, mind, but kissed her no less. Kriss fell in suprise or would have if her new favorite person had not snaked an arm around her waist.

"You really must quit falling over yourself; it's not very healthy. Now, let's go into the living room and talk about your mysterious family."

"But Zach, Niro said a whole day should pass first. I'll only do it if he comes too."

"Sometimes  he is like the prince he truley is, wise and just. Other times, like now, he is my best friend, stubbon and air-headed." Zach ignored the glare given him by Niro. "It's time this came out. Come on." As Zach pulled Krissandra with him, he whispered, "Don't forget to release them." Kriss blushed, ashamed she had forgotten about the airlocks. Niro and Jessie followed, niether in a very good mood, the total opposite of the other two.

Kriss turned on the living room lights and immediatly regreted it. She put her face into Zach's shoulder, away from the sight. In the middle of the living room floor, spread for all to see, was a teenage girl. She was bloody, wounded, and dead.



Subject: 
View point...
zen's picture
Author: 
zen
Date: 
Mon, 2006-01-16 00:59

You write very well, but did you notice the story sounds a bit... impersonal?

For example:
Zach woke several hours alter to find Kriss, with bandages in hand, contemplating how to wrapp the wounds up. Kriss saw that she had been caught staring and blushed deep pink. Zach was admiring her when she asked him to stand and raise his arms. He obeyed as a smile spred across his face. Kriss patiently began wrapping the bandages around his mid-section.

You first jump into Zach's head and then jump to Kriss, then go back to Zach and then back to Kriss again. It sounds a bit like a soccer game Laughing, doesn't it?

If you are using the omnipresent viewpoint, try not to switch heads so fequently (i.e. not in the same paragraph). Try something like...

Zach woke several hours later to find Kriss, with bandages in hand, staring at him. She blushed deep pink as he caught her.
"Stand up and raise your arms," she said, trying to sound angry.
He obeyed with a smile across his face and let the girl wrapped the bandages around his waist.

Another thing, "show don't tell"...

For example:
She was so zoned out that she didn't see the jar that seemingly floated down the hall. She did not notice it until it was in front of her face.  Kriss automatically pulled away and stayed silent. It scared her even more when a man materialized. It was Niro, come to help, but Kriss didn't know that.

The last sentence kind of distrub the readers' attention, drawing them out from the story. You can probably skip that, in the last part you already "show" the story by saying:

"It's fine; I'm a friend of Zach's. My name is Niro as Zach would tell you, but he's kinda out of ir right now. Will you let me help you and Zach?"

If you want to make the story more intense, you will need to stay in a character's mind longer (e.g. for the whole chapter). Try not to do the soccer thing too often Wink.


[ login or register to post comments ]

Subject: 
Thanks
Cherokee_girl's picture
Author: 
Cherokee_girl
Date: 
Mon, 2006-01-16 17:30

thanks! I'll try that.I stiil have to finish typing this chapter, but I should do that soon.


[ login or register to post comments ]

Subject: 
Cliffy!!
Cherokee_girl's picture
Author: 
Cherokee_girl
Date: 
Mon, 2006-01-16 21:28

Hehe! I left you guys with a cliffy! how do ya all like that?Okay, really have to stop talking like that^


[ login or register to post comments ]

the site | the forum | the hamster

contact:
Copyright for each story belongs to the corresponding writer.