"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness."

"Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry."

"Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk."

"First you're an unknown, then you write one book and you move up to obscurity."

"The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time."

"The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee."

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."

"In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others."

"Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him."

"The average person thinks he isn't."

"Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time."

"It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor."

"No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather."

"With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life."

"There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience."

"The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed."

"I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position."

"An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought."

"An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support."

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."